a need to love

I don't even know the topic of this post….yet.  As I listen to this song, I am inspired to write.  I had a dream last night that I was sent to Spain.  Curiously, the destination disappointed me.  "But I wanted to go to Mexico," I lamented.  I envisioned a tourist excursion, yet my heart sought people and the ability to reach out to them and show them that Someone cares.  Of course I woke up and remembered that there are opportunities for love, people who need touched by Jesus through us, everywhere we go--and everywhere we stay.  And who would complain about going to Spain?!

The other day, I reread something I wrote a few months ago:

"I want to go away again. I want to run away to Africa.  I want to hold babies and sit in the dirt with the tiny precious ones who live and play in it. I want to regain my heart and let it be filled with love for those do not know Him, instead of being wracked with this ache...My heart needs to love. More than anything else."

I sense that I'll be home for awhile before the wind lifts my sails again.  I've been depleted for awhile.  I've been to a few conferences recently, and there have been moments with friends, timely words and experiences, heart-connections with the Lord, that have begun to refill my empty tank.  If I went away now I am doubtful that I'd have the emotional energy to invest in others.  God is working something in me, something with which I don't seem to be completely in alignment.  Today I am thankful that He never gives up and He never lets go. :-)

a new year, a new season

Much has transpired in my life since my last post.  I had no idea on April 25th that in one month and a day I'd lose my littlest brother to our Heavenly Father and the grave, that I'd journey to Africa four days after that in a haze of grief and fatigue, that I'd return from that beautiful, heart-shaped continent four months later altered forever (a month later than anticipated), or that just after a summer away I'd discover that another brother was getting married, and that he would stand at the altar in a number of weeks from that announcement.  No, it was beyond my imagination to witness a family funeral and a family wedding in the course of the same year--within seven months of each other.  2013 ended praising the Lord and ringing in His New Year celebrating victory and love with 30,000+ other passionate hearts.  It was an unbelievable year.  You'd find it even more bizarre if I shared all the details, but is not the heart permitted a few secrets?

Writing anew has been calling my name since I've been home from Africa, and I feel it is time.  It's time for a lot of things.  A friend said recently, "I don't think you really ever had a chance to fully process Africa."  I was taken aback, struck by the truth of this statement.  Yes, I've shared about my travels numerous times, yet I think in many ways I have held back, not wanting to call attention to a deep and heart-rending part of my life and heart.  In avoidance of flaunting an incredible opportunity, I partially neglected pieces of the process and the journey.  It can also be quite exhausting, pouring out four months of one's life all at once.  I hesitate, wondering how much is too much--friends can only listen for so long.  There's something in me that says no one will or can ever understand.  Feeling misunderstood has worn on me for awhile and a clinching frustration has boiled within, especially recently, but as a wise friend proclaimed, "We can't live in fear of being misunderstood.  It's a given that it'll happen sometimes, but we must share who we are even if it never makes sense to anyone else." (Paraphrase) So here I am.  We are called to vulnerability and community and to share what God has written on our hearts with such care.  Living in fear of being known--or worse, never being known--would be to give up on the vessel the Father crafted with His breath of creativity.  I've written about various aspects of recent life, but I haven't posted these thoughts online for public viewing.  This is a new season---but, no, I don't have a snazzy new job lined up, there are no plans to enroll in higher education, and I seem to have no answers as of yet concerning summer plans.  I don't even know what I'm making for dinner tomorrow--let alone breakfast!  Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I trust Him more than ever for the present and the future.  He's carried me through the dim and the bright, and shown with the greatest gentleness to be as strong and loving as He's always promised.  These unforgettable moments, the precious, the unbelievable, that racked my whole frame with tears, that make me who I am, that keep me from veering, from reeling, that turn my eyes to Him--that's what I'd like to share with you in following posts. 

:-)