A Year

"Sometimes you meet someone super cool and think, ' I have to know that person.  I just have to.' You're compelled to learn all there is to know about them and you don't why.  But you know that they need to be in your life and you need to be in theirs.   And then you realize you've known them all along; they were the principle characters in your dreams.  These are the individuals that are referred to when someone says something like, 'He's a keeper.'  And then you think, 'If I never, ever see him again, I will be so sad.' To lose a friend that you've had all along but never knew is tragic indeed."

A faraway look...

There's a faraway look in my heart.  A deep drawing and longing to go someplace unknown to me and traverse new plains.  I am weary with uncertainty and trying to make sense of the puzzling mystery that seems ever-present.  By next summer I hope I can go somewhere (far away).  It wouldn't be solely for the sake of travel and adventure, but to make some difference in the lives of others.  Additionally, I know that being helpful and forgetting myself in a healthy way would be so good for my heart and many lessons would be learned along the way.  I want to see a bigger picture of what God is calling me to, and to remember, to learn and to love.  Training of a practical nature to more effectively share the love and freedom of Christ seems to be in order.  But where?  When.  How.  I want to GO!  My heart needs adventure.

Friendship

"My ma said that of all the bonds that exist between people, perhaps the sweetest is the bond of friendship.  For it is borne not out of duty or blood ties, but out of sheer delight in another.  How hard it must be to be friendless in an hour of need.  How bitter to be alone at the moment of reckoning.  And yet for some, it was friendship itself, the sharing of our deepest truths and the trust in another's goodwill towards us, that was the hardest path of all." -Lark Rise to Candleford

Lark Rise to Candleford has captured my attention. (I thought I'd explain the origin of the above quote before I move on to the subject at hand.)  I've mostly given up TV (mostly) and I've been discouraged by the content of most movies.  But, this show is an overall good-natured, pleasantly appropriate and beautiful piece of art.  It is like a movie that goes for as long as you desire.....except, it does end, for I am almost through the third season and only four were made. :-(  I sometimes watch it while listing books on Amazon or simply as a nice break from all that is life. :-)  After weeks of focus on other things, I revisited this show a few days ago.  There are so many life lessons and wisdom.  I'm kind of impressed, actually.  Of course, the characters can be rather stupid at times, but, who of us isn't now and then? :)

"The sharing of our deepest truths and the trust in another's goodwill toward us."  That can be difficult indeed.  What is hardest for me, sometimes, is wishing I could show a friend that they can trust me, that I would not crush them if vulnerability was the road pursued--and that, if I did crush them, it would shatter my own heart.  But often, the best we can do is continue being a friend from the deepest places of our hearts, even it feels one-sided at times.  Let us not become weary in well-doing.  Perhaps the most painful part is realizing that there may never be a harvest we can see with our own eyes---yet, that does not mean it is not there.  It is easily wounding to have love and deep understanding bubbling up inside, overflowing from the wellspring of our hearts, and feel limited by the rejection or lack of recognition by another.  And yet, there are those of us who must love, for it is an extension of our very selves.  It matters not if anyone responds, however painful; we have to continue to be who we are--through a note, an act of service, a smile, a word of affirmation or encouragement.

Recently I have endeavored to reach out to others, even if the fear of rejection is sporting a STOP sign.  Sometimes I send an email or a text and I think, "What if he/she thinks this is lame and/or is annoyed by it?"  I realized that is not the right focus.  If my heart is really only to be a friend during these times and love to the fullest, then that is where my attention needs to be.  I've released a lot recently in that area.  Sometimes, I send these messages and get a positive response.  Sometimes, it's radio silent.  I've had to realize that it isn't for me to feel unloved or unappreciated because of that; that is not God voice speaking in those moments of doubt.  This may sound like a silly thing, but upon examination, I see the magnitude.  It can be applied to anything.  The recipient might answer back with "Oh, thanks!  I really appreciate that.  You are so thoughtful!"  Or there might be nothing.  I'm learning to be OK with the second outcome and move on (my head and heart can jump to such unfounded conclusions).  Funny how, when I examine my heart and motives carefully, I can see how the need for affirmation and vanity creep in when I start to focus on myself instead of others.  Pretty ridiculous, eh? :-)

"The sweetest friendships of all are the unlikeliest.  But they are founded on something even more precious than delight; they are founded on nothing less than the complete and perfect acceptance of one by another. " -LRtoC

Thank you, friends, who have shown me that complete and perfect acceptance; it is a rare treasure and you have no idea what it is has meant. :-)

I will still trust Him

Tonight I went to a concert (more like a worship service).  The concert was put on by young students and interns at the Thunder School in Nashville (one of whom is a special friend from Texas!).  It was super neat!  There was an invitation to lay down whatever desires or "gods" that we have placed before Christ in our lives.  I realized there are several things that far too easily become idols in my heart.  I prayed, "God, even if that never happens, even if your plan for me is something completely different, I will still trust You.  I will still love You, even if those desires go unfulfilled."  Sounds simple enough, but it was a tough little moment. 

A sermon illustration I heard a few months back comes to mind.  The pastor wanted to buy a vehicle years ago that involved many red flags.  Yet, he didn't heed the warnings.  (It ended having a lot of problems and caused him grief trying to keep it running.) He wanted that suburban (?) and his pride couldn't let it go.   His heart was set on it--to the point that it didn't matter what he knew was right or even what the Holy Spirit was whispering in his ear. 

Sometimes we want something so badly, and it could be a great, wonderful thing, but sometimes we don't seek to find out if it's a God idea in the first place.  I have realized that there have been times--maybe concerning guys I liked, schools I wanted to attend, trips I hoped to go on--that I set my whole heart and soul on something, so much so that having my hopes dashed was like falling into the pit of despair.  Now, these things could still be what God wants for me, but it seems that there is something premature about planning it all out and getting so far ahead of myself.....and then realizing that my heart is deeply invested.  Could be backwards, perhaps?  Sigh.  It's like planning a huge party at your family home, inviting all your friends, buying/preparing the food----and then asking your parents, "Hey, btw, I'm having this party in an hour...that ok with you?"  Let's say the answer is NO.  It could have been a grand, jolly time--in honor asking for permission, for blessing, waiting for the very best and the perfect timing....for the free food your parents already had.....haha.  Ok, maybe taking that a little far.  Seriously, though, God is so wise.  Why don't we tap into that wisdom more often and trust Him for our present and future?

We indeed have to be so careful what we set our hearts on.  Lord, help me!

Luxurious Attention

That title got your attention, didn't it? ;)

I've been thinking about how two-sided love is. It isn't just about being loved...which honestly, I think most people focus on.  It's also about loving the other person, having a desire to speak life and truth over them and minister to their heart, not just wait for them to lavish you in luxurious attention. 

Supposedly men have a need to love and women have a need to be loved (at least primarily).  But I think things are perhaps a little out of whack when each person focuses only on one or the other aspect of this.  Some girls want simply to be cherished, and some guys just want a girl to cherish--and sometimes it ends up not mattering so much who it is or how they treat or are treated in return (in no way am I saying this is true of everyone or even most people I know...just a thought). I've prayed for the guy friends I have, who are so very special, that each one will find a girl who appreciates all that they are...who isn't simply enthralled by the interest and love that he shows her.  I personally believe that guys need to be valued too.  

I recall a conversation with a great friend in college our freshman year.  She was telling me about a guy she had a crush on.  She then went on to say that there were five guys on campus who she really respected more than anyone else.  I asked her, "So, is the guy you like one of those five?"  She said he wasn't.  I was surprised by this.  The guys I have liked have always been among the ones I respected the most.  Doesn't it seem like it should be that way?  Hmm.  Thankfully, my friend married someone else, one of the greatest guys on campus.  I'm so glad God knows and orchestrates what is best for us.  Thanks for tuning in to another session of relationship philosophizing with Melody....if you could see into my brain, you'd know it never ends. :P

Would you marry the same person again?

Here's something I've been chewing on for a few days...

So, I was reading Reader's Digest the other day (yes, I read Reader's Digest.  It's one of my favorite things).  The March 2010 issue of RD surveyed married people worldwide with the question, "Would you marry the same person again?" To quote the article, "On average, 68 percent of respondents in 15 countries would again say 'I do' to their spouse.'"  I guess 68% is pretty good odds, considering what a train wreck our culture is, in general, when it comes to successful relationships and marital happiness.  Yet, no way would I want to be part of that 32% who regrets the 2nd most important decision of their lives.  (I like to think that people aren't nearly as confusing as they seem, and that their current character is a pretty good indication of what they'll be like in 10, 20, 40, 70+ years.  I imagine God waving all those little red flags and then his head sinking into His hands because He knows we're ignoring the warning signs.)

Months ago a vocabulary word and its definition appeared on my idle computer screen:

nullity |ˈnəlitē|
noun ( pl. -ties)
1 Law an act or thing that is legally void.
• the state of being legally void; invalidity, esp. of a marriage.
2 a thing of no importance or worth.
• nothingness.
ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: from French nullité, from medieval Latin nullitas, from Latin nullus ‘none.’

Every time I read this definition, it makes me sad.  When I think about how a marriage can be labeled worthless or meaningless so very easily, my heart hurts.  In no way am I a "marriage is all butterflies in a lush valley surrounded by cotton candy and rainbows" kind of person.  I've witnessed the reality (from various sources) of the absolute nightmare it can be.  Yet, now I see, now I know that it can be the wonderful, lifelong partnership it was meant to be.  (I'll hold out for that.)  Just thinking about how man can nullify something so precious that God ordains, something that leaves a lasting mark, no matter what is on paper, makes a hopeless feeling settle in my gut.  There's some good advice on our wall at home by H. Jackson Brown Jr.: "Marry the right person.  This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery."  I know, I know.  There's almost for sure a few of you getting offended at that statement.  (I have to ask...have you ever been married? Probably not. :P)  Even if you're a believer on fire for God and His kingdom, who loves your spouse with all that you are, what if they don't care?  What if they were great in the beginning, but then morph into a stranger who doesn't want to love anymore?  I think some of my greatest fears stem from this.  But I know that God is good and that it's all in His hands.  Sometimes, I ponder all of this and think it must break His heart to see what we have done with the institution He created.  Marriage is such a reflection of His love toward us and the relationship that we have with Him.  I realize that I still don't understand this dynamic, but hopefully someday it'll make more sense.     

 I wrote way more than this...looks like it's going to be divided into several posts. "The Relationship Rants." Hahaha. :-)

The Patience of Trust

Life would be so much easier if no trust or patience was required of us.  Well, I suppose it isn't required, but it is part of having a healthy relationship with God.  And with people, actually.  These daily decisions that lead to inner knowing, these moments when I yield it all to Him and lay it all on the altar, when I take a deep breathe and remind myself that patience is key.....all of this has been a struggle for me this week.  When you catch glimpses of the future God has for you, it can take restraint to not reach out and grab it prematurely.  Now may not be the time.  But He has good things for us, most definitely.

I see now that there are seasons in life.  I see that my life will consist of many seasons, more than I ever imagined.  When I was in college (more towards the end of my education) and friends would ask what my life goal or hope was, my answer was incredibly simple.  I wanted a peaceful and happy home.  That was all.  My family had been through constant crisis in various forms throughout all of my high school and college experience.  There wasn't anything more attractive to my heart than peace.  But then I graduated and went home, to my chagrin.  I didn't want to be here, yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God had put me here.  I began to remember dormant dreams and realize new ones.  I began to get to know myself, without much influence from others, which was what I needed.  Even the times of restlessness and feeling like I had no purpose were good in their own way.  Piece by tiny piece the puzzle of who I was, who I needed to be, and what I needed to do, started to come together.  It wasn't in any way reliant, or at least didn't need to be, on my major in college, what I was known for on campus or who my friends were.  I realized that I have a deep need to either work with/interact with people or be in a creative environment....preferably both.  My own business, such as in the area of jewelry or fashion design (I've always been drawn to the entrepreneurial way of life), being a wife and a mom, and maybe even missions (God has done a lot in my heart as far that is concerned!...), etc etc...there are many possibilities, could be part of my destiny.  I used to limit myself by figuring that, for example, if I wanted to have a comfortable home someday, then obviously I probably wouldn't end up overseas.  Or if I was a missionary, then I might not be able to implement certain ideas I've had.  Yeah, that is confusing.  But, basically, God has turned over all my smart thoughts on all of this and shown me that I have simply to trust Him, and that all of the things He has laid on my heart will be fulfilled in their proper time and due season.  And I see that He'll awake even more dreams and hopes that I would never had thought of.   I have only to trust Him and take it day by day, step by step.  It's amazingly freeing!  Now I'm not anxious like I once was.  Now the idea of not knowing what the future holds is kinda....dare I say it....exciting. :-D

Over the last few months I've felt a pull to do more involved in a service/ministry oriented way.  I think God knows when we're ready to be poured out.  In college there were lots of opportunities to serve or minister to kids that fit right in with the life of a student.  I miss going out to New Life Ranch in Colcord, OK every week to clean out stalls, get the horses ready, lift small children into the saddle, assure them that they were doing a great job, and just spend time getting to know their little hearts.  They were so adorable!  I often wonder how they are and lift them in prayer to Him who knows.  Nearly all of those kids came from rough family backgrounds and it's easy to worry that they'll continue on the same path that Right Lead pulled them away from.  Benjamin was the first kid that I mentored.  He was eight years old and the CUTEST kid with such a sweet spirit.  Whenever I would arrive, he'd run up and give me a big hug with much excitement (the kids always called me "Miss Melody").  But when it was time to go, he barely acknowledged it.  I surmise that this was due to him being used to people he cared about walking out of his life and not coming back.  He would tell me about his "grandma" that he lived with who taught him about Jesus (more likely his foster mom).  Benjamin would usually be the first kid to volunteer to pray during our devotional times.  The one time that he forgot his cowboy boots, his horse stepped on his foot.  The poor kid cried so hard.  I miss times like that....not painful toes, but just the interactions, the pouring into others.  When I returned for the spring semester, I was told that Benjamin was no longer in Right Lead because his mom was out of rehab so he moved back with her.  I wonder where he is now.  Now I feel so much more equipped to help those kids than I ever was then, but I still know that God uses those times; the seed has been planted.  Anyway, there's a rabbit trail for you. :-)  This post is ending in a completely different way than it started.....it's pretty long, so I'll continue my other thoughts later!  Bye for now...whoever it is that actually reads these. :-)

Living the Agape Life

"Let all that you do be done in love."-1 Corinthians 16:14

Wow.  The love Paul is referring to is agape love--the most selfless form of love.  I've been thinking about this verse in the last month or so, and reevaluating some things.  I started to make a conscious effort to love others--especially my family, which I think are truly the hardest people to love, but also the ones that matter the most.  I think how we treat our families says a lot about us.  Additionally, I started to notice all the times I don't love others, or, don't want to love.  I see that sometimes I even debate doing or saying that which I know isn't the most loving.  Let's face it, people can be annoying (again, mostly family).  Thus, it's pretty easy to be annoyed.  I generally make an effort to be understanding of people, and try not to respond in like manner when it's obvious someone is having a bad day.  I really hate that feeling of tension that creeps up between me and another person when neither one of us want to give in and admit we're wrong or just being inconsiderate.  To love is to let one's defenses down; to forgive; to admit we're wrong; to not always have to be right.  "A soft answer turns away wrath."  How true it is.  I have many thoughts on this subject.  This just scratches the surface. 

One thing I know--we can't love as much as God does, but we can love like He does.  I want to learn how to love!  That is the desire of my heart.


Check out this song by John G. Elliott, "Did You Learn How to Love?"  One of the questions of my heart....
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/did-you-learn-how-to-love/id503806226?i=503806228

Smoothies, Cyanide and God

I thought I'd share a few recent discoveries/things I've observed:

• A few moments ago I finished off a delicious smoothie.  The ingredients: 1/2 banana, vanilla yogurt, a mix of blueberries, raspberries and blackberries and 1/4ish of an avocado.  Oh, and, I threw in the avocado pit.  Yep.  True story.  It was so good!  p.s....don't listen to naysayers who claim the pit contains cyanide....well, it does contain cyanide, but it's supposed to be a kind that fights cancer.
• I've noticed that when I don't eat (meaning, only on liquids for a few days), my olfactory is quite sensitive.  While walking about our neighborhood this evening, I kept noticing various smells.  A few people must have been grilling...yumm.  Someone was doing laundry, but I wondered why I could smell the fresh, wonderful scent of the detergent so well.  Maybe they ignore washing machines and stick to the outdoors.  Suddenly, a putrid aroma shocked me.  I almost walked into a dead squirrel that was being swarmed by flies.  Really gross.  There were other things I noticed that had nothing to do with scent.  A small, paperback book lay discarded on the street, the cover intelligible at first glance and its pages were a sorry sight due to the rain.  I looked closer. Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance was the title, by Tony Dungy.  Hmm.  I continued on, encountering a peculiar grouping of (trash?) items that ended up there on accident.  A pen had been broken into a myriad of pieces.  A jar of salsa lay nearby.  Curious.  But then, there was the yard bordered by bluebonnets.  [Bluebonnets never fail to make me happy] 
• Much of my day was spent on the PrayFortWorth website, which, btw, you should check out!! Still needs work, but the fact that we finally have a functional site is agreeable progress, indeed. :-) I had a few moments of panic, however, when I made the author bio photo I was adding to the homepage HUGE.  It was like her face was the background image.  Oops.  :-/  
• I read the book of Esther last week.  There is much in Esther that surprised me and that struck me in ways it never had before.  Here are a few verses from the 9th chapter:

  Now in the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, on the thirteenth day of the same, when the king's command and edict were about to be carried out, on the very day when the enemies of the Jews hoped to gain the mastery over them, the reverse occurred: the Jews gained mastery over those who hated them. ²  The Jews gathered in their cities throughout all the provinces of King Ahasuerus to lay hands on those who sought their harm. And no one could stand against them, for the fear of them had fallen on all peoples. ³ All the officials of the provinces and the satraps and the governors and the royal agents also helped the Jews, for the fear of Mordecai had fallen on them. ⁴ For Mordecai was great in the king's house, and his fame spread throughout all the provinces, for the man Mordecai grew more and more powerful.

  This really got me.  Just think.  How often are we intimidated by others who are less powerful than ourselves?  Satan is an example of this.  Luke 10:19: "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you."  Yet, we've all had times where we've sat in fear of the devil and his tactics.  He has no power!  The Jews weren't necessarily stronger or more mighty than their enemies (although, I don't know, maybe they were), yet when the fear of the Jews fell on them, they were made powerless.  Be careful who or what you fear.  Esther is a good reminder to me of Him who is truly in control in this world.  We need have no fear.
  
  Yep, this is how my brain tends to work.  Random ideas from all over.  :-) There's lots more I could have shared, but, for now, that's all. 
  
  Smoothies --> Cyanide --> Smells --> Football coaches --> my future --> websites --> Esther --> Fear --> No fear  --> God. Yep.                                                                                                                                                     

  p.s. my brother is making a hamburger, and it smells soooo good.  There are moments when hamburgers are the very best thing in the world. Peace and joy! 

Weeds

My heart is in His hands.  It's the best place to be.

Instead of going to a movie with friends (October Baby, which, btw, I've been told is an amazing story), I spent part of Sunday afternoon gardening.  Ok, not really gardening.   More like, I went outside and circled our house.  After a moment, I knew it was time--time to finally plant a garden!  I began to prepare the soil, pulling up weeds and unwanted grass with my bare hands.  It was truly a lovely time.  I've hesitated for about two years in the gardening department for two main reasons.  One, lack of time and energy.  Two, because I had no idea where to start...even after quite a bit of time perusing the internet for planting tips and tricks.  So, I decided I should just jump in and see what happens.  I thought, "Even if I'm a little late in sowing seed, it's time.  This garden is going to be fruitful."  I'm excited!

I was almost disappointed that I didn't go spend some time with such quality people, but I needed some time.  Even though I'm an introvert, I sometimes forget that I require time alone in order to think, recharge and reconnect with God and be reminded of who He wants me to be.  As I yanked at the weeds, I realized that my heart has even more weeds than the earth I was working.  Struck by this very simple idea, I prayed, "God, weed my heart as I weed this ground." My heart so needed communion with God on that cool, spring day.  May my heart and spirit be fertile soil for all that He desires to do in me and through me.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ²  Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ⁴  Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵ I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. ⁷ If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸  By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. ⁹  As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ¹⁰  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. ¹¹ These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." -John 15:1-11

Hey, I could make that! Well, maybe...

Shopping inspires me.  It doesn't inspire me to shop more, but, rather, to go home and learn how to sew.  Yesterday, I went to Macy's on a mission.  A friend presented me with a birthday gift card (thanks, friend!!!!!! :-D) a few months back.  I found things that I loved--but most of it was around $70.  Lame.  There were items that I liked and which were excellent prices, but I generally shop with the conviction that I shouldn't buy anything I don't love--or need.  However, I sense some sales on the horizon, so I'll be back to try again later. :-)

    

Currently, I'm searching for pretty summer dresses and peasant blouses/tunics.  I love flowy/chiffon/gauze/crochet/embroidered combos, and it truly delights my heart that such items are currently in style and fairly easy to track down; they're just expensive. :-/  Call me a dreamer, but I'm thinking that I could make the kind of thing  I'm looking for without too much difficulty.  A bat wing top or simple tunic doesn't sound too far beyond the scope of my capabilities.  My mom has wanted to teach my sister and I how to sew for years, but it has often dropped off the list of priorities.   It is true that I used to make doll clothes and other things out of funny little pieces of scrap, but nothing long lasting.  Ahhhh...there's so much I could do!  It's like having a song bursting out of your heart but not knowing how to play any instruments.   I'm constantly designing clothing in my head; I think it's time to put it into action.