sing: like never before

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

One Sunday in May, Mother's Day, to be exact, I received quite a large check towards my summer adventures from a family member.  It was a game changer--an open door to dreams of which I was previously unsure.  Directly afterwards I went to church, my heart full.  10,000 Reasons was sung with passion by the worship leaders.  And on that evening, I sang like never before.  I had seen God provide in an unimaginable way.  

You're rich in love and You're slow to anger

Your name is great and Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Of course I could not have known of the storm that was to come.  Exactly two weeks later, on a fitful Sunday morning, my dear little brother passed away.  I remember that song, that reminder to worship and to bless Him, streaming in the other room that day and the next as another brother and a friend sorted and sifted and rearranged boxes and belongings so that family and friends might have spaces to love and to mourn.  His heart is so kind---I remember finding His love in that truth.  

The sun comes up

It's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

And on that Wednesday night and Thursday morning, as I packed through the night after the funeral, the living room scattered with clothing, mosquito repellent and water filter bits and pieces, I prepared to journey to a continent far off--and set this song to repeat--all the weary hours long.  A new yet uncertain day was dawning.  It was time for me to go.  I knew I would be called to sing my song again--which really was His song.  And I knew no matter what had happened or what the path held, my heart and soul would never cease to sing.

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

I was in an airport somewhere between Texas and Africa, in need of guidance and direction in the midst of delayed flights and missed connections. A caring friend was on the other line of the phone.  He was at my house, using my computer, ironically, and as he turned his attention to my flight information on the screen, there it was again.  That song.  Still on repeat from a day or two before.  I could hear it through the phone.  

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

In Mozambique I sat on the concrete classroom floor, still floating in a sea of grief, yet held so gently in His hands.  The familiar sound rose again.  No one could know what it meant to me--that we have a history, this song and I.  No, it wasn't the end of my life yet, but still my strength faltered.  He was strong for me when my brother's time came.  He was strong for me when all that I knew or was sure of was His goodness.  He will always be strong for me.

At the OneThing conference in Kansas City over New Years I had the pleasure of hearing Matt Redman sing this song live in worship.  Gripped my heart.  My spirit was light again and danced within me.  Finally I could sing with joy--like never before.

My soul will sing His praise unending---10,000 years and forever more. 

--->>>

a need to love

I don't even know the topic of this post….yet.  As I listen to this song, I am inspired to write.  I had a dream last night that I was sent to Spain.  Curiously, the destination disappointed me.  "But I wanted to go to Mexico," I lamented.  I envisioned a tourist excursion, yet my heart sought people and the ability to reach out to them and show them that Someone cares.  Of course I woke up and remembered that there are opportunities for love, people who need touched by Jesus through us, everywhere we go--and everywhere we stay.  And who would complain about going to Spain?!

The other day, I reread something I wrote a few months ago:

"I want to go away again. I want to run away to Africa.  I want to hold babies and sit in the dirt with the tiny precious ones who live and play in it. I want to regain my heart and let it be filled with love for those do not know Him, instead of being wracked with this ache...My heart needs to love. More than anything else."

I sense that I'll be home for awhile before the wind lifts my sails again.  I've been depleted for awhile.  I've been to a few conferences recently, and there have been moments with friends, timely words and experiences, heart-connections with the Lord, that have begun to refill my empty tank.  If I went away now I am doubtful that I'd have the emotional energy to invest in others.  God is working something in me, something with which I don't seem to be completely in alignment.  Today I am thankful that He never gives up and He never lets go. :-)

a new year, a new season

Much has transpired in my life since my last post.  I had no idea on April 25th that in one month and a day I'd lose my littlest brother to our Heavenly Father and the grave, that I'd journey to Africa four days after that in a haze of grief and fatigue, that I'd return from that beautiful, heart-shaped continent four months later altered forever (a month later than anticipated), or that just after a summer away I'd discover that another brother was getting married, and that he would stand at the altar in a number of weeks from that announcement.  No, it was beyond my imagination to witness a family funeral and a family wedding in the course of the same year--within seven months of each other.  2013 ended praising the Lord and ringing in His New Year celebrating victory and love with 30,000+ other passionate hearts.  It was an unbelievable year.  You'd find it even more bizarre if I shared all the details, but is not the heart permitted a few secrets?

Writing anew has been calling my name since I've been home from Africa, and I feel it is time.  It's time for a lot of things.  A friend said recently, "I don't think you really ever had a chance to fully process Africa."  I was taken aback, struck by the truth of this statement.  Yes, I've shared about my travels numerous times, yet I think in many ways I have held back, not wanting to call attention to a deep and heart-rending part of my life and heart.  In avoidance of flaunting an incredible opportunity, I partially neglected pieces of the process and the journey.  It can also be quite exhausting, pouring out four months of one's life all at once.  I hesitate, wondering how much is too much--friends can only listen for so long.  There's something in me that says no one will or can ever understand.  Feeling misunderstood has worn on me for awhile and a clinching frustration has boiled within, especially recently, but as a wise friend proclaimed, "We can't live in fear of being misunderstood.  It's a given that it'll happen sometimes, but we must share who we are even if it never makes sense to anyone else." (Paraphrase) So here I am.  We are called to vulnerability and community and to share what God has written on our hearts with such care.  Living in fear of being known--or worse, never being known--would be to give up on the vessel the Father crafted with His breath of creativity.  I've written about various aspects of recent life, but I haven't posted these thoughts online for public viewing.  This is a new season---but, no, I don't have a snazzy new job lined up, there are no plans to enroll in higher education, and I seem to have no answers as of yet concerning summer plans.  I don't even know what I'm making for dinner tomorrow--let alone breakfast!  Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I trust Him more than ever for the present and the future.  He's carried me through the dim and the bright, and shown with the greatest gentleness to be as strong and loving as He's always promised.  These unforgettable moments, the precious, the unbelievable, that racked my whole frame with tears, that make me who I am, that keep me from veering, from reeling, that turn my eyes to Him--that's what I'd like to share with you in following posts. 

:-)

"Nahhh...that's for the 'special' ones:" Marveling at God's Provision and Care

Soooooooo.....I'm going to Africa!!  

A few (of the very few) of you who follow this haphazard blog may already know this.  I feel compelled to explain a bit more of the backstory of how I arrived at this threshold--this point of preparing to cross the sea and the challenge of raising the rest of my $2,800 (plus the extended outreach!) tuition by April 25th (yes, today!).

Three months ago I applied for the Harvest Missions School with Iris Ministries in Pemba, Mozambique.  On the very dark night/early morning of March 21st, I received a "rejection" letter via email.  I didn't get accepted.  I was crushed and disappointed.  Yet, I could still see myself there--there, where God's overwhelming love abounds even more than the prevalent poverty, hardship and pain. I immediately responded to the offer of being on the waiting list, even though I could barely see past the thick fog of the moment.

Over the next two weeks, God worked in me and began to chip away at the rejection that was lacquered across my heart.  There was so much more to it than Mozambique.  Every group or team that I had applied to in college and didn't get accepted to flooded back to memory--Resident Assistant, Orientation Leader, Student Ministries––even the camp counselor position I applied for after college.  Of course, past relational disappointments played a role as well.  Thankfully, I can look back on each of those "failures" and see God's wisdom and grace in the closed doors.  However, this current desire was closer to my heart than any past pursuit and thus meant so much more. It wasn't just something that seemed like a good idea or would be a positive and stretching experience.  It felt weighty, and I knew I had to go.  The day after I received the ill-fated email, a friend, knowing it would speak to me, suggested I listen to the testimony of Jennifer Miller Toledo. My friend was right––it was timely.  I went to a Passover Seder the next week.  Again, rejection came up when the leader felt a prompting to pray for anyone who had a stronghold in that area.  I felt the battle within, yet I was also aware of God's healing in that moment.  The word from numerous friends concerning these thwarted plans was "protection."  The Father was protecting me––I knew not from what.

Saturday, the day before Easter, graced us with sunny loveliness.  I decided to head to the park near our house, in need of setting my heart right with God about that which is deep and dear to me--including the fait of my summer.  I wandered the park aimlessly for a few minutes, not quite at rest.  Coming up to the little creek, I walked across the bridge and leaned against the railing.  The rhythmic rush of the gentle stream flowed with peace and calm across the rocky bed.  I began to seek the Lord, asking for a path.  He said, "Just rest in me." A genuine surrender warmed within me. God, I don't to be zoned in on one thing and be set on only that.  Here's my heart, wide open to whatever You have for me.  Journeying through my Bible, I came to Jeremiah 33:3. "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." The night the email came from Iris I found a highly affirming note from my older brother, written about nine years before, which referenced Jeremiah 33:3.  As I sat in the green grass ceilinged by the Toy Story blue and white sky, I reread this passage and it's header "The Lord Promises Peace." Ahh, and then the Psalms––such a salve in times of heart distress.  Psalm 131:2, "I have calmed and quieted my soul. Like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me."  Yes, I thought with relief. THAT is why I am here today.  I have calmed and quieted my soul.  Rising after about an hour and a half, I headed home, grateful and reassured that I'd be ok, no matter what God had for me in the future.
.
On the afternoon of April 3rd, my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer.  Yet I sensed a magnitude and an electricity and thought, "Wow, who is calling?!"  I listened to the voicemail. "This is Tony Maxwell from Iris Ministries.  If you could call me sometime in the next day, that would be most excellent."  I instantly knew.  It couldn't mean anything else. When something is withheld and then later given, how much more precious it becomes when it is finally received––often more so than if it had been bestowed immediately, I thought. It took me an hour of steadying myself to call back.  I was on the waiting list and spots were available. But was it an instant yes?  No!  I  needed time to think and pray about this. Thankfully I had ten days to decide.  You know, it's a funny thing to get a rejection letter and an acceptance letter from the same organization.  I had mixed feelings at first.  I had begun to dream about various projects at home––gardening; aquaponics; volunteer opportunities.  I asked for prayer and wisdom from many of the people who have poured so much into me.  I was struck by how special that is--to have such individuals and couples just a text, phone call or living room away. It didn't take long for the confirmation to rise within my heart--I definitely wanted to go!!

Such a shift unfolded over those two weeks.  I strongly believe that God had to break that rejection off of me before the doors could be opened.  I'm not sure that I would have felt accepted even if I had been in the beginning.  Quite a few individuals from the church I started attending in December went to the Harvest School.  I've honestly had the thought that of course they were all accepted right off.  The first Sunday after the good news phone call, I waited till the end to speak to one of the elders, a wise and loving man with a large family.  When I had first applied to Harvest School, I mentioned it him.  Even though I didn't know him very well, he prayed for me and his immediate reaction was, "You're going. And it'll be great."  He added, "When you write your support letter, bring it to me, and I'll help you out." Wow, what?!  I thought.  I hardly know this person, yet he is willing to do that?  And how is he so confident about the outcome of this? He wasn't the only one who spoke in such a manner.  I was blown away.  So, this Sunday when he finally made his way towards me, I told him how his words had come true, and how much it all meant to me.  He looked at me and said, "The same thing happened to my daughter!" Evidently she had applied, didn't get accepted, but then got a call later  asking if she still wanted to come.  Something humbling and sweet stirred within.  I needed to hear that.  I needed to really get that it wasn't about one person being cooler than another––it wasn't just for the "special ones"––a Greater Power had His hand on this. 

The $200 deposit for the school was due nearly two weeks ago.  I only had half of it the day before.  BUT THEN....I was struck speechless by a donation of $1,000 from a generous friend.  Wow.  I had heard such tales of provision, but, again, couldn't admit that part of me thought this only happened to the select few.  Would someone really do that for ME?  Would GOD do that for ME?  A couple days before this, I spent hours making a custom order of whale shaped decorated sugar cookies for a customer on Etsy.  It was really much more time and trouble than I had anticipated, yet I strongly felt that it was important for me to do the order–no matter the effort.  I was stressed about how they would turn out.  The customer loved the cookies!!  She also sent me a message saying that she had noticed on my profile that I love Jesus and that I'm going to Africa.  She said that she loves Jesus too and she wanted to write me a support check!  Wow. Again.  My heart was overwhelmingly blessed by the very thought.

As it now stands, as far as I know, I still need close to $1,000 for the tuition...the tuition that is due TODAY (not including airfare, insurance, visa, etc.). Ahhhhh.

If you would like to help out, contact me at melodyious@gmail.com.  Also, there's a PayPal donate button below, or go to https://www.irisglobal.org/giving-center/harvest/.  Under Remaining Tuition or Outreach Payment, type "Melody Mitchell, Harvest School 18." Yes, a shameless plug. :-)  Thanks for reading about this journey.  Yes, there is much on my heart concerning this–much that I did not share in this post (even though it's super long!!).

FRIENDS.............God is SO good!  The very awareness of such an opportunity evokes gratefulness.  The Father gives His best.

others may...but I can't?

Others May You Cannot

"If God has called you to really be like Jesus, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility, and put upon you such demands of obedience, that you will not be able to follow other people, measure yourself by other Christians, and in many ways, He will seem to let other people do things which He will not let you do.

Other Christians, and ministers, who seem very religious, and useful, may push themselves, pull wires, work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it, and if you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord, as to make you sorely penitent.

Others may boast of themselves, or their work, or their successes, or their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing, and if you begin it, He will lead you into some deep mortification, that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.

Others may be allowed to succeed in making money, or may have a legacy left to them, but it is likely God will keep you poor, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, namely, a helpless dependence on Him, that He may have the privilege of supplying your needs day by day out of an 'unseen treasury.'

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward, and keep you hidden in obscurity, because He wants to produce some choice fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade He may let others be great, but keep you small.  He may let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing: and then to make your work all the more precious, He may let others get credit for the work which you have done, and thus make your reward ten times greater when Jesus comes!

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch over you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings, or for wasting your time, which other Christians never feel distressed over.  So, make up your mind, that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has the right to do as He pleases with His own.  He may not explain to you a thousand things which puzzle your reason in His dealing with you, but if you absolutely sell yourself to be His love slave, He will wrap you in a jealous love, and bestow upon you many blessings which come only to those who are in the inner circle.

Settle it forever then, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, and that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue, or chaining your hand, or closing your eyes, in ways that He does not seem to use with others.  Now, when you are so possessed with the living God, that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the 'vestibule of Heaven.'"

-G.D. Watson (1845-1924)

My entire life I've heard this from my mom (who learned it from my grandmother): "Others may, you cannot."  Friends who have this print hanging on their wall shared it with us recently.  It is a reminder that I've needed.  (I'm also grateful for an explanation to accompany the saying.) It doesn't always make sense when we sense the check of conviction or caution about something that is "no big deal" to everyone else--and if we're honest with ourselves, there are times it doesn't really bother us either, "our worldly inspired logic"--but our spirits are stirred.  Oftentimes, the things we aren't permitted to do are actually good things, but of course that doesn't mean good for us now.  I often wonder if God says "No" simply to see if we'll be obedient.  Is our relationship with Him is more valuable to us than indulging in what is currently desirable?  Recently I feel as if I've been "sitting on the fence" frequently when it comes to loving Jesus completely versus letting myself be momentarily enamored by other "lovers." Idolatry can so easily capture our hearts and bind our spirits.  I want to choose the valuable thing, the best thing, to be "so possessed with the living God, that [I am], in [my] secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over [my] life."  Yes yes yes.

Parks and (not so)Wildlife

Ready for my park journey!

WELL.  I decided I should blog again!  It's been quite awhile, hasn't it?  Not that I assume my "readership" has noticed, haha. :-)  It isn't that I haven't had anything to write about.  I always do.  I mean, I'm always thinking about something, so I figure there must be material.  But, there has been much on my heart over the last few months, and sometimes I wasn't so sure I wanted other people to be able to see into my inner being.  You see, I'm not very good at writing about things that aren't close to my heart.  (Maybe this is why my research papers and essays in college were always so horrible? If you deny this, you never read them or reviewed my grades.  So there you have it.)  Frequently I find myself writing paragraphs in blog form; I thought this might be a sign.

The best view in the park.

I went to the park today.  After sword fighting with evil bacteria for most of a week in Kansas City and then coming home only to succumb to the dreary ways of a cold-flu for another week, I needed fresh air.  Ahh, it was nice.  I swung on the swings that are supposedly meant for 5-12 year olds, figuring I don't weigh that different from when I was 12.  This was glorious and my heart sung praises to God for all His goodness to me.  After about five minutes my hips and thighs, which do not resemble a 12 year-old's, started to feel a little cramped due to the narrow swing.  I was super glad that I came when I did, as it wasn't long before the skate-boarders descended on the place.  It isn't that I don't enjoy the sounds of children playing gleefully, but sometimes I like to forget that I live in the suburbs and tiny wheels clashing with pavement is rarely peaceful.

As I walked along and finally arrived at my favorite perch atop a rocky place, I was completely amazed at the beauty that surrounded me.  Actually, I think I was awestruck that I recognized it as beautiful.  I mean, everything is dead.  And brown.  One might say gloomy.  Yet there was something glorious about it.  I was surprised at my thankfulness.  This spurred more thankfulness, for I realized that God must have done a work in my heart.  I struggle with winter and cold.  Not a fan...for very long.  Nearly always ready for summer!  Anyway, the fact that I could look around and say,  "I really have no idea what is going to happen and trusting can be hard...but, WOW.  Look how wonderful the world is!"  says something.  I think back to college days, when winter could actually be called winter.  There were times when my spirit was burdened or I was down about something--and that's all there was to it.  It didn't matter that winter, crystal encrusted trees and all, was indeed a lovely sight to behold.  It was shaded by my bleak view of the world at that moment.  Wow.  Now things are different.  Hallelujah!

So today, I am grateful.  Thanks, Jesus!



Probably seems like an abrupt ending....but I'm tired...sooooo.  And, hey, this isn't the end, anyway, right???!

A Year

"Sometimes you meet someone super cool and think, ' I have to know that person.  I just have to.' You're compelled to learn all there is to know about them and you don't why.  But you know that they need to be in your life and you need to be in theirs.   And then you realize you've known them all along; they were the principle characters in your dreams.  These are the individuals that are referred to when someone says something like, 'He's a keeper.'  And then you think, 'If I never, ever see him again, I will be so sad.' To lose a friend that you've had all along but never knew is tragic indeed."