sing: like never before

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

One Sunday in May, Mother's Day, to be exact, I received quite a large check towards my summer adventures from a family member.  It was a game changer--an open door to dreams of which I was previously unsure.  Directly afterwards I went to church, my heart full.  10,000 Reasons was sung with passion by the worship leaders.  And on that evening, I sang like never before.  I had seen God provide in an unimaginable way.  

You're rich in love and You're slow to anger

Your name is great and Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Of course I could not have known of the storm that was to come.  Exactly two weeks later, on a fitful Sunday morning, my dear little brother passed away.  I remember that song, that reminder to worship and to bless Him, streaming in the other room that day and the next as another brother and a friend sorted and sifted and rearranged boxes and belongings so that family and friends might have spaces to love and to mourn.  His heart is so kind---I remember finding His love in that truth.  

The sun comes up

It's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

And on that Wednesday night and Thursday morning, as I packed through the night after the funeral, the living room scattered with clothing, mosquito repellent and water filter bits and pieces, I prepared to journey to a continent far off--and set this song to repeat--all the weary hours long.  A new yet uncertain day was dawning.  It was time for me to go.  I knew I would be called to sing my song again--which really was His song.  And I knew no matter what had happened or what the path held, my heart and soul would never cease to sing.

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

I was in an airport somewhere between Texas and Africa, in need of guidance and direction in the midst of delayed flights and missed connections. A caring friend was on the other line of the phone.  He was at my house, using my computer, ironically, and as he turned his attention to my flight information on the screen, there it was again.  That song.  Still on repeat from a day or two before.  I could hear it through the phone.  

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

In Mozambique I sat on the concrete classroom floor, still floating in a sea of grief, yet held so gently in His hands.  The familiar sound rose again.  No one could know what it meant to me--that we have a history, this song and I.  No, it wasn't the end of my life yet, but still my strength faltered.  He was strong for me when my brother's time came.  He was strong for me when all that I knew or was sure of was His goodness.  He will always be strong for me.

At the OneThing conference in Kansas City over New Years I had the pleasure of hearing Matt Redman sing this song live in worship.  Gripped my heart.  My spirit was light again and danced within me.  Finally I could sing with joy--like never before.

My soul will sing His praise unending---10,000 years and forever more. 

--->>>

a need to love

I don't even know the topic of this post….yet.  As I listen to this song, I am inspired to write.  I had a dream last night that I was sent to Spain.  Curiously, the destination disappointed me.  "But I wanted to go to Mexico," I lamented.  I envisioned a tourist excursion, yet my heart sought people and the ability to reach out to them and show them that Someone cares.  Of course I woke up and remembered that there are opportunities for love, people who need touched by Jesus through us, everywhere we go--and everywhere we stay.  And who would complain about going to Spain?!

The other day, I reread something I wrote a few months ago:

"I want to go away again. I want to run away to Africa.  I want to hold babies and sit in the dirt with the tiny precious ones who live and play in it. I want to regain my heart and let it be filled with love for those do not know Him, instead of being wracked with this ache...My heart needs to love. More than anything else."

I sense that I'll be home for awhile before the wind lifts my sails again.  I've been depleted for awhile.  I've been to a few conferences recently, and there have been moments with friends, timely words and experiences, heart-connections with the Lord, that have begun to refill my empty tank.  If I went away now I am doubtful that I'd have the emotional energy to invest in others.  God is working something in me, something with which I don't seem to be completely in alignment.  Today I am thankful that He never gives up and He never lets go. :-)

a new year, a new season

Much has transpired in my life since my last post.  I had no idea on April 25th that in one month and a day I'd lose my littlest brother to our Heavenly Father and the grave, that I'd journey to Africa four days after that in a haze of grief and fatigue, that I'd return from that beautiful, heart-shaped continent four months later altered forever (a month later than anticipated), or that just after a summer away I'd discover that another brother was getting married, and that he would stand at the altar in a number of weeks from that announcement.  No, it was beyond my imagination to witness a family funeral and a family wedding in the course of the same year--within seven months of each other.  2013 ended praising the Lord and ringing in His New Year celebrating victory and love with 30,000+ other passionate hearts.  It was an unbelievable year.  You'd find it even more bizarre if I shared all the details, but is not the heart permitted a few secrets?

Writing anew has been calling my name since I've been home from Africa, and I feel it is time.  It's time for a lot of things.  A friend said recently, "I don't think you really ever had a chance to fully process Africa."  I was taken aback, struck by the truth of this statement.  Yes, I've shared about my travels numerous times, yet I think in many ways I have held back, not wanting to call attention to a deep and heart-rending part of my life and heart.  In avoidance of flaunting an incredible opportunity, I partially neglected pieces of the process and the journey.  It can also be quite exhausting, pouring out four months of one's life all at once.  I hesitate, wondering how much is too much--friends can only listen for so long.  There's something in me that says no one will or can ever understand.  Feeling misunderstood has worn on me for awhile and a clinching frustration has boiled within, especially recently, but as a wise friend proclaimed, "We can't live in fear of being misunderstood.  It's a given that it'll happen sometimes, but we must share who we are even if it never makes sense to anyone else." (Paraphrase) So here I am.  We are called to vulnerability and community and to share what God has written on our hearts with such care.  Living in fear of being known--or worse, never being known--would be to give up on the vessel the Father crafted with His breath of creativity.  I've written about various aspects of recent life, but I haven't posted these thoughts online for public viewing.  This is a new season---but, no, I don't have a snazzy new job lined up, there are no plans to enroll in higher education, and I seem to have no answers as of yet concerning summer plans.  I don't even know what I'm making for dinner tomorrow--let alone breakfast!  Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I trust Him more than ever for the present and the future.  He's carried me through the dim and the bright, and shown with the greatest gentleness to be as strong and loving as He's always promised.  These unforgettable moments, the precious, the unbelievable, that racked my whole frame with tears, that make me who I am, that keep me from veering, from reeling, that turn my eyes to Him--that's what I'd like to share with you in following posts. 

:-)