Life would be so much easier if no trust or patience was required of us. Well, I suppose it isn't required, but it is part of having a healthy relationship with God. And with people, actually. These daily decisions that lead to inner knowing, these moments when I yield it all to Him and lay it all on the altar, when I take a deep breathe and remind myself that patience is key.....all of this has been a struggle for me this week. When you catch glimpses of the future God has for you, it can take restraint to not reach out and grab it prematurely. Now may not be the time. But He has good things for us, most definitely.
I see now that there are seasons in life. I see that my life will consist of many seasons, more than I ever imagined. When I was in college (more towards the end of my education) and friends would ask what my life goal or hope was, my answer was incredibly simple. I wanted a peaceful and happy home. That was all. My family had been through constant crisis in various forms throughout all of my high school and college experience. There wasn't anything more attractive to my heart than peace. But then I graduated and went home, to my chagrin. I didn't want to be here, yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God had put me here. I began to remember dormant dreams and realize new ones. I began to get to know myself, without much influence from others, which was what I needed. Even the times of restlessness and feeling like I had no purpose were good in their own way. Piece by tiny piece the puzzle of who I was, who I needed to be, and what I needed to do, started to come together. It wasn't in any way reliant, or at least didn't need to be, on my major in college, what I was known for on campus or who my friends were. I realized that I have a deep need to either work with/interact with people or be in a creative environment....preferably both. My own business, such as in the area of jewelry or fashion design (I've always been drawn to the entrepreneurial way of life), being a wife and a mom, and maybe even missions (God has done a lot in my heart as far that is concerned!...), etc etc...there are many possibilities, could be part of my destiny. I used to limit myself by figuring that, for example, if I wanted to have a comfortable home someday, then obviously I probably wouldn't end up overseas. Or if I was a missionary, then I might not be able to implement certain ideas I've had. Yeah, that is confusing. But, basically, God has turned over all my smart thoughts on all of this and shown me that I have simply to trust Him, and that all of the things He has laid on my heart will be fulfilled in their proper time and due season. And I see that He'll awake even more dreams and hopes that I would never had thought of. I have only to trust Him and take it day by day, step by step. It's amazingly freeing! Now I'm not anxious like I once was. Now the idea of not knowing what the future holds is kinda....dare I say it....exciting. :-D
Over the last few months I've felt a pull to do more involved in a service/ministry oriented way. I think God knows when we're ready to be poured out. In college there were lots of opportunities to serve or minister to kids that fit right in with the life of a student. I miss going out to New Life Ranch in Colcord, OK every week to clean out stalls, get the horses ready, lift small children into the saddle, assure them that they were doing a great job, and just spend time getting to know their little hearts. They were so adorable! I often wonder how they are and lift them in prayer to Him who knows. Nearly all of those kids came from rough family backgrounds and it's easy to worry that they'll continue on the same path that Right Lead pulled them away from. Benjamin was the first kid that I mentored. He was eight years old and the CUTEST kid with such a sweet spirit. Whenever I would arrive, he'd run up and give me a big hug with much excitement (the kids always called me "Miss Melody"). But when it was time to go, he barely acknowledged it. I surmise that this was due to him being used to people he cared about walking out of his life and not coming back. He would tell me about his "grandma" that he lived with who taught him about Jesus (more likely his foster mom). Benjamin would usually be the first kid to volunteer to pray during our devotional times. The one time that he forgot his cowboy boots, his horse stepped on his foot. The poor kid cried so hard. I miss times like that....not painful toes, but just the interactions, the pouring into others. When I returned for the spring semester, I was told that Benjamin was no longer in Right Lead because his mom was out of rehab so he moved back with her. I wonder where he is now. Now I feel so much more equipped to help those kids than I ever was then, but I still know that God uses those times; the seed has been planted. Anyway, there's a rabbit trail for you. :-) This post is ending in a completely different way than it started.....it's pretty long, so I'll continue my other thoughts later! Bye for now...whoever it is that actually reads these. :-)
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